Blessings

Ahhh, Christmas break. So much love. Honestly though, I am partly glad this semester is over, and partly sad too. This semester was rough for me guys. I'm seeing that this is a very common topic on my blog, but change definitely took a whole semester to get used to. Actually, scratch that, I'm still getting used it. My family started a store in August, and since then my life has been flipped upside down. (well, okay, that is not the only change, but it is a big one.) So much is different now, and let me tell you, my room has never stayed this messy for this long of a time. I'm sitting here on my bed writing this, drinking lukewarm tea, battery almost dead, and clothes all over the floor, not to mention my math books, guitar, and more clothes strewn across my bed. If you know me, this is not what my room looks like most of the time. I'm usually a neat freak. But I'm learning to be okay with it.

I went on a spontaneous coffee date with a sweet friend of mine a few days ago. Oh, it was so good for my soul. I was telling her about how it's been hard for me to adjust to new friends, a new school, and a new youth group. About how sometimes I just feel so lonely. Yes, I have friends, but they're all over the place, and it's hard to be able to see them other than school or church. I feel like I can't build relationships like I would like to. Loneliness had just really started to make itself at home in my heart. She looked right at me and told me how proud she was of me. How proud God was of me. That Jesus was in heaven looking down on me and saying, "That's my girl." Tears started to stream down my face. How could he be proud of me? What on earth had I done that Jesus, the Son of God and Savior of the world, would be proud of? She told me how much he delights in me, that he loves to love on me, that he's always giving little blessings, and big ones too.

And then something awesome happened.

My friend and I were sitting by the window at the coffee shop, looking out on Main Street. A lady had pulled up to bring a cake in for some special event. I guess she had seen me crying, so she motioned for me to come out. She then pulled out a box of cupcakes and gave them to us. "We have extra," she said. My friend looked at me and said, "And there's a little blessing right there. He loves you Ellie." How incredible that the God of the universe took the time of day to send me that little blessing. It blows my mind.

So now, I'm challenging myself to look for ways God is showing his love. I know he does, but sometimes I just focus so much on the negative circumstances that I miss the blessings. I read somewhere that we tend to blow the negative parts of life, however small, way out of proportion, pushing the positive parts away. What if we looked for the blessings in a conversation instead of mentally kicking ourselves for something stupid we said? What if we challenged ourselves to look for the good in a situation instead of automatically picking out the bad? What if? Blessings are everywhere. Let's pray for the grace to see them. Love to you all. <3

I'm an...editor?

     Whew, so much to catch up on. One of the main things that's been going on recently is that I've become the founder and editor in chief of The Blue Hawk, a school newspaper for Bluegrass United. It's been awesome so far, and tomorrow our second edition will be out. It's definitely a learning experience for me, learning how to write a column, figuring out how to get everything in on time so I can compile it all, and, the hardest for me, editing my people's columns and not taking over. I love to edit and mark papers with red ink all over. It's just a quirky thing about me. I love grammar, sentence structure, word choice - all of it. Anyways, it's been difficult for me to keep my writers' style intact. I tend to want to take over and rewrite the whole thing. But that's not what the newspaper's about. It's about giving teenagers an opportunity to be creative in ways they might not be otherwise, whether it be through writing a column, photographing an event, or creating a comic. It's been awesome to read everyone's articles and see everyone's pictures and compile it all into The Blue Hawk. I love it and can't wait to see where it goes. 

     For the second edition, I wrote this article. Since I'm the editor in chief, I get to write about whatever I want for the editorial. Perfect job for me. I'm allowed to be opinionated and everything. It's great. :) Hope y'all enjoy it! Happy reading!

     “The Fault in Our Stars?? Oh my gosh, that’s like my most favorite book/movie EVER!!!!” Yep, this is the cry of a typical teenage girl right about now. And before I continue, you are free to disagree with me if you like. But I didn’t like it, really at all. It was so depressing and there was no hope.

I’ve been through this cancer thing before. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was nine, while she was pregnant with my brother. It was tough, seeing her hurting that way, and being so unsure of the ending. But God, in his great mercy, got us through it and now both of them, my mom and my brother, are as happy and healthy as could be. My mom has been cancer free for eight years. 

     Then, when I was thirteen, my grandpa, or Pop-pop as all his grandkids called him, was diagnosed with cancer. Five weeks after he had been diagnosed, he went home to be with Jesus. And let me tell you, that was probably one of the toughest things I have ever been through. I still struggle with it sometimes.

     You may be sitting there thinking, ‘I’m sorry for your loss and all Ellie, but The Fault in Our Stars wasn’t really that bad.’ I can understand why you would say that. And I completely respect your opinion. 

     At the same time, as I said before, I struggled with the fact that there was no hope. Jesus was not in it at all. Hazel and Augustus - their lives revolved around themselves and whatever they could find to take pleasure in. To them, death was the finality of life. There was no assurance for them of where they would go after death. And that’s what made me sad. Hope and joy were nonexistent. Can you imagine if Christ had been the center of this story? They would have had so much joy, and not just fake happiness that comes from perishable pleasures, but real joy. They wouldn’t see death as the finality of life, but rather the beginning of infinite life and happiness. It would have been a much grander infinity than the one they had dreamed up for themselves.

     I do have to say, this book gave me a new perspective and helped me have more compassion towards those who have been through this without hope. Who are going through it right now without hope. I can’t imagine going through something like that, not knowing that death does not have the final say. I think that’s the main message we, as Christians, can take from the book. There truly are those who are lost, without hope, in this broken world. They need compassion. They need love. They need Jesus. And he’s called us to love those people. To spread this hope, this joy everywhere we go. And by his grace, may we be his vessels, the lights in the dark places, bringing hope to the hopeless.

A Soul Full of Sunshine

So for this blog post, I thought I'd try something a little different. This post challenged me to be creative with my photography and my writing, to portray a person's true self, both in images and words. So, without further ado, the girl with the soul full of sunshine.

this is my girl, kamren fayth.

she loves Jesus. a lot. he has and is redeeming her life, and it is beautiful to see.

her laugh is so contagious. she's always so full of joy.

she can be a real goofball sometimes.

she makes this face a lot.

but i love her for it.

as a matter of fact, it's one of the main reasons why we're friends.

she's a stunner. and i mean a STUNNER. 

she's got a beautiful soul and a heart full of gold. i just love her.

So there you have it sweet readers. Thank you for bearing with me. :)

Why

this goes out to the heaviest hearts

oh, to everyone who's hit their limit

it's not over yet, it's not over yet

and even when you think you're finished

it's not over yet, it's not over yet

keep on fighting

i'll carry on when my strength is failing

take heart 'cause you're with me

so let the stars drop

whatever comes i'll be ready

you keep me steady

For the past couple of weeks, For King & Country's new album has been my heartbeat. I'm just going to be open and honest with y'all: I've been feeling really lonely - heck, I AM feeling really lonely. I just miss the way things used to be. All of the places where I really felt God and where he really filled me up have changed. And it's hard. So hard. I just am not really sure what to do about this loneliness. How do you deal with it? Surrounding myself with people certainly doesn't do it. You can be constantly with people, constantly talking to people, and still be lonely. Guys, I know we've all heard it a million times that God fills us up. And I believe that. Really, I do. But honestly, I'm really not feeling it right now. I keep telling myself, 'If only I can get to this point, I'll be fine.' But that's not how it works. What happens after I pass that point? And the one after that? I just assume I'll be fine, but I won't be. 

I want so badly to be an overflow of God's love, but it is so. hard. I'm so weary of pouring myself out over and over again and not getting anything back. I just keep crying out to God, 'What do I do God? What are you trying to tell me? Why have you changed everything? Can't you just change it back?' And it's such a selfish cry, but it's my heart. 

I want for God so much to be the only thing I need to satisfy my heart. Why is it that I don't feel like he's enough? I know in my head he is, but my heart wrestles with that fact all. the. time. I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know what God is doing in my life, why he's changed everything. Yeah, I can see some indications of things to come, but what about now?

You know, I'm tempted to camp out in those negative thoughts, but it doesn't end there. I want y'all to know, I have not figured it out. I do not know the answers to any of these questions. It's such a struggle for me to believe God is who he says he is. I feel like I'm failing at this Christian thing, that God has changed, and isn't who he used to be. But he hasn't. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Our view of God is so limited. He is so great that 'the slightest hint of him brings us down to our knees.' I was listening to Times by Tenth Avenue North and it came to the bridge:

i hear you say: my love is over

it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between

the times you're broken, the times that you mend

the times you hate me, and the times that you bend

the times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks

the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

Whoa guys. It hit me pretty hard. As my friend would say, "It was a slap in the face. But it was a good slap." His love is everywhere. It's over, underneath, inside every. single. situation. I know that, even after this realization, I will still have spells of loneliness, of questioning and asking 'Why me God?' But his love covers and seeps through all the cracked, broken places of my heart. And I just have to keep praying for the grace to see it.

i look up to the mountains.

does my strength come from the mountains?

no.

my strength comes from God

who made heaven and earth.

and the mountains.

Seriously, go check out For King & Country's new album: RUN WILD. LIVE FREE. LOVE STRONG. You will not regret it. 

Overflow

Oh y'all, I am so sorry I haven't kept up better with this blog. School and life have just been crazy lately. Great and wonderful, but crazy.

Lately the Lord has really just been putting on my heart that he is more than enough and that because he is, that more should overflow from me into others. Before the school year started, and "it was the clove of the seasons, where summer was dead, but fall had not yet begun" (quote from my English class ;)) I had a lot of time to think. About all the change that was going to happen. I know change has been a pretty frequent topic on here, and there's a pretty good reason for that. Nothing this year, my junior year of high school, is the same as last year. Nothing. And I'm learning to be okay with that.

Last year, I had my specific "filling up" people and places. I had two fabulous friends, a wonderful momma, and an amazing Bible study leader who I talked to about life and all its struggles and joys. They were my "filling up" people. They always pointed me back to the Gospel. Their hearts overflowed with love for the Lord, and that overflow poured into my heart. This year, my mom is the only person I'm able to talk to as much as I'd like. Before, I always had specific times when I knew I would see my friends and my Bible study leader and be able to talk. But our schedules are completely different now. I don't see any of them, except for my mom, as much as I would like to. And it's hard. When I realized that I wouldn't be able to see them that much, I was kind of at a loss. I thought, Where will I get filled up now? In the back of my head, I knew it was God that filled me up and not just my friends. But I still missed my people.

A few days ago, I was talking to my mom about the whole "filling up" thing. She gave me some wonderful words of wisdom. She said, "I think God takes away our 'filling up' places sometimes to remind us that it's HIM that fills us up." 

The Lord gives and 

the Lord takes away.

Blessed be the name

of the Lord.

//Job 1:21

And that's so true. I was relying too much on my friends to fill me up that I forgot that it's JESUS who was filling me up, not my friends! He manifests himself through them to fill me up. I was worrying so much about where I would get filled up that I got distracted from the real "filler upper." God has given me new people and places where he will fill me up with himself. Students of Grace, my middle school girls, my girls' Bible study, sweet friends at school. But it is still him and him only that fills me up. And by his grace, I will overflow. So much so that it spills onto everyone around me. That's my purpose in life. That he would overflow from my life into others and be glorified through it.

Awe, Adoration, and Arachnids

I've been thinking quite a lot about fear lately. Both fear of things to come and the fear of God. But before I dive into this post, I have a story about fear. Tonight I was cleaning the cottage for a relative who is going to come and spend the weekend with us. Now, it is spider season here at the Brown house. Webs and nasty spiders are everywhere. Going up to the cottage porch, I ran into a web. Thankfully it was just a little spider, but it still put me on edge. I went into the cottage and found a bigger spider, not too big but big enough, in the shower. Still wondering how that spider had gotten into the cottage in the first place, I started to make the bed. The quilt was folded up on the floor, so I put it on the bed and began unfolding it. I kid you not, there was a big wolf spider in the folds of the quilt. I about had a heart attack. Needless to say, I screamed and ran over to house, refusing to go back over to the cottage until both spiders had been killed. This incident reminded me of the statement I've been thinking about for the past couple of days. Fear is not of God. Fear is of the devil.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear

but of power and love and self-control.

//2 Timothy 1:7 

God has given us POWER to overcome fear. He has graciously given us the strength to fight our fears and to trust him with our worries. He has also given us a spirit of love. He wants us to reach out in love and cast away fear. He does not want us acting out of fear, but out of love. Be bold! Don't be afraid!

Then there's self-control. When I read this verse and started thinking about it, I thought, Why self-control? Why not one of the other Fruits of the Spirit, like peace? So I looked up self-control.

Self-control: control or restraint of oneself or one's actions, feelings, etc.

He gives us a spirit of self-control to restrain ourselves from acting out of fear or jumping to conclusions based on our fear. 

But what about the fear of the Lord? 

The fear of the Lord

is clean,

enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord

are true,

and righteous altogether.

//Psalm 19:9

The fear of the Lord is awe. He is strong, capable of anything, including discipline. We stand in awe of him for these reasons and more. But usually we focus on his love, and not how in awe we are of him. And yes, definitely, we need to remember his love for us. But how often do we just sit in awe of him? Almost afraid of his vastness and power? Honestly, I think this needs to happen more often. I mean, our God created GALAXIES y'all.

He came up with the way our brains work. He created personalities. Math equations. Languages. The way a flower grows. I mean, how often do we ponder all the things he's created? You're probably sitting there thinking, 'Yeah, I know, EVERYTHING.' But what specifically falls under everything? And the fact that he's the Creator is not the only thing we should stand in awe of. What about how he has so much love, an eternity's worth, to pour on us? That this love gave up his only Son to die the most shameful death so that worthless sinners could be his sons and daughters? That just amazes me. We don't fear God enough. We don't take enough time to sit down and think about who he really is and let ourselves be completely dumbfounded and awestruck. Because to be honest, it scares us. But God takes that fear, and turns it into adoration, because fear is not from him. Love is. 

Giver of Strength

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Oh, how much easier said than done.

Tomorrow morning, my best friend starts a new adventure at Covenant College. I can't believe that it's already here. I've only known her for two years but it feels like so much longer than that. I have so many great memories from those two years, memories where we laughed until we cried, cried until we laughed, and everything else. I will miss her terribly, her hugs every Sunday morning, her listening ear whenever I needed to talk, and her encouragement, always pointing me back to the Gospel. Yet God has plans for the both of us individually this year, and I can't wait to see what they are.

Youth group kicked off last Sunday night with a whole new crowd of junior highers. Crazy to think I'm one of the upper classmen, one of the 'big kids' that everyone looks up to. It's so different now than what it used to be. It's going to take a while to get used to it. It's all good, exciting stuff, but still, it'll take some time to get used to.

On Monday, I had orientation for BUAC, the new homeschool thing I'm doing this year. It was nice to have it the day before classes started because it took some of the nervousness away, but it hit me on the way up there that I was starting school the next morning at a completely new place. So on Tuesday, we drove up and school began. Even though it was a little bit overwhelming, all new people, new classes, new way of doing things, I still loved it. 

Quite a few other things have yet to start this fall, but thinking about all of the change taking place, I just felt like I was going to collapse under the weight of it all. Yes, all of it is good change in some way, and yes, I will get used to it eventually, but it just really hit me this week how much is really changing. There's not much that's staying the same. As I've said before, I really have a hard time with change. My momma told me once that she tries not to change things for my sake, especially if it's part of a routine.

But then a few days ago, I ran across this verse:

 The Lord stood with me

and gave me strength.

//2 Timothy 4:17

I love this mental picture. I see myself with tears streaming down my face, absolutely not having it all together, and generally just a mess. But then I see God lifting me back up again, wiping the tears from my face and whispering, "It's going to be okay. It really is. I will stand with you, I am always standing with you. I will be right here by your side the whole time, giving you strength to get through it." What a beautiful picture. It just lifts my heart and gives me peace, reminding me that no matter what happens, he is always there. Never changing. Hallelujah, what a Savior.

For My Good and His Glory

I've always hoped to be a giver of love
I've always wanted to reach the broken
But how can I do these things without grace from above?
Oh Lord, give me grace and guide me with the words You have spoken

Sometimes I question why you've put me here
And other times I think I understand
But I'm learning that Your plan is always to bring me near
And it will always be for my good and for your glory

Take this heart
Fill it to overflowing
Take this life
Let it be an outpouring
Of Your love

I'm not one to be excited for change
I like things to stay the same and I'm happy where I am
But You are teaching me that comfort should not always be my aim
I know You will use me to love and shed light in the darkness

I wrote this song about a month ago. I had just sat down with my guitar and starting strumming four chords over and over again. Then I started humming notes to go along with the chords and thought "This would make a cool song." I started looking through my notebooks for inspiration for the lyrics of the song and stumbled on a note I had written a while ago. It simply said 'Outpouring: song title.' And that's how this song was born. And I've gotta say, it was all Jesus. He gave me the inspiration, helped me come up with rhyming words, and get my point across.

In my last post, I talked about getting out of my comfort zone and how that applies to this next year of school and such.  That's really what I was thinking of while writing this song. Just the fact that, in all the new places I'll be in, God will use me to love and shed light in the darkness. For His glory. All the people I meet, all the events I take part of, everything is part of His plan. Like the last verse says, I don't like change. Plain and simple. I don't like change. And sometimes I sit and think, "I wish everything could just stay the same. I wish people didn't grow up and go off to college. I wish I didn't have to grow up and be responsible." But then I stop myself. Would I really have it any other way? Would I trade all of the change in my life, all the things that have shaped me and made me the person I am today, for uninterrupted peace and tranquility? No, I wouldn't. All those things, all those changes that put me waayyy outside my comfort zone? They ended up either teaching me some of the most valuable lessons in life or being some of the most fun I've ever had. All of them, every single one of them has brought me closer to God, whether I realize it yet or not.

Last week, I was part of a performing arts camp led by some awesome people who started a drama school in Northern Ireland. I was nervous, (big surprise there :P) as I had never really done performing arts before. We were going to be taught stagecraft, drama, and voice and then have three shows at the end of the week. Pretty daunting. But guess what? It turned into one of the best weeks of the summer. At the end of the week, I found out the leaders were Christians. I was so excited. At the end of each of the shows, they told the audience they were Christians and that they run these schools to help kids gain confidence and ultimately to glorify God. They said how they realize that all talent is a gift from God. It has nothing to do with us. That was amazing to me. My talent is God-given, and even when I'm not singing or dancing to Christian songs, I'm still using the talent He gave me.

When we realize that we could never do something on our own, all the glory goes back to God. Now believe me, I struggle A LOT with giving all the glory back to God. I like to keep at a least a little bit for myself. But that is yet another means of grace. God gently helps me realize that my gifts and my talents, are from Him. They are not mine. They are His. They are His, and so all the glory goes back to Him. I can't wait to see what changes and new things this next year brings. Am I scared? Yes. Is it outside of my comfort zone? Definitely. But God uses those scary, outside-of-my-comfort-zone changes to bring me closer to Him. And if that's what it takes, then bring it on.

In the Zone

Hi everyone! I'm so sorry, it's been a month, so much has happened and I STILL haven't written. Since my last post, I've been to a wedding, a worship arts/audio production camp at Asbury University, a family reunion, and have taught art to 6-8 year olds at a homeschool conference. June has just flown by. Crazy. So here, in this post, I will mainly be talking about what God taught me at the worship arts camp.

Let me just say, I was so nervous y'all. It was completely outside my comfort zone to go to this camp. I didn't know anyone, I would have a roommate, and have to play guitar and violin and sing in front of these people I didn't know. While I was there, I did some crazy (well, in my mind) things that I have never done before. God really stretched me, but at the same time led me gently. I think one of the biggest lessons he taught me there was that in order to be brought near to God, I had to get outside my comfort zone and how that applies not only to the things I did at camp, but all the change taking place my junior year of high school.

One of the crazy things I did at camp was lead worship with my band. Okay, rabbit trail, 'cause this is pretty great. Our group was split into three bands. My band was called That Band. The other two were called This Band and The Other Band. So, together, we were This, That, and The Other Bands. Awesome right? Okay, end of rabbit trail. So I was made the lead singer of my band, and for one song, I played a solo on my violin and on the other, I led by singing and playing my guitar. Now guys, when I play on the worship team at church, I only play violin. I'm a background instrument and I love it. I've led worship for youth group before, but it was only about fifteen people, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I also like to harmonize or be a background singer instead of singing melody. So, I assumed I would be a background instrument or singer, and maybe get some tips on how to play guitar better, thinking there would be so many others more qualified to lead than me. Yes, I'm a leader, but in that environment, I'd rather not be in the spotlight. But, as God would have it, I became the leader of our band. Way outside of my comfort zone right? But guess what? God gave me the grace to be okay with that, to realize being the leader of a worship band and to lead worship is a privilege. I got to lead God's people in worship. How awesome is that?

I was talking to my mom about how all of this happened, just all the things I did that were way outside my comfort zone and how I wasn't that nervous at all. She said, "Honey, it was the Holy Spirit." That just amazed me. God gave me those gifts and helped me use them for his glory at the camp without being nervous. It was awesome.

I came back from camp and went straight to the beach for a week, so I didn't have that much time to process everything that went on at camp. A few days ago, I was asking myself "What was the biggest thing I learned at camp? And how does that lesson play out into my life now that camp is over?" I thought about it for a while, and then realized it was getting out of my comfort zone and relying on God. Not just at camp, but in the days, weeks, and months to come. This next school year is going to be full of change and being outside my comfort zone. We have a new youth leader, I'm going to be taking classes at Bluegrass United, a homeschool organization, where I know maybe three people, one of my best friends will be at college six hours away, and my other best friend I will not see as much as I usually do. Lots of things outside of my comfort zone. But you know, when I'm in my comfort zone, I don't rely on God as much. I think I'm just fine, I got this, I can do it all. But when I'm pulled out of my comfort zone, I begin to realize that yeah, I'm completely dependent upon God. And you know what? It brings me closer to him. I'd rather be outside my comfort zone than in it if that's the case.

I just looked back and read that sentence again and thought, "Did I really just write that? What am I thinking?" But it's true. I want to be brought near to God even if it means I'm outside of my comfort zone. With everything happening in the next school year, you better believe I'm going to need God. I need him all the time, but my need for him will become more prevalent in the coming months. And he will satisfy my need, over and over again. Today at church, the sermon talked about being bold, taking risks for the gospel, and how prayer brings you in line with the will of God, even if it's outside your comfort zone. And then we sang the song Oceans, my all time favorite.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the waters

wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior.

That is my prayer over this next school year. That God would show me his will and that my faith in him would grow as he gives me grace to live in the freedom of the gospel and bring his love to the people I come in contact with. <3

From My Dreams to His Perfect Plan

Almost a year ago, I was on my way to Haiti with a team of twenty awesome people. Little did I know how much the Lord would use that trip in the coming months.

A week ago, my parents got an email from one of the Vapor staff. Vapor is the organization we went with to Haiti. The lady who emailed my parents said that she knew the trip had really impacted us, especially me. She asked if we would call or email her back with our stories. My mom thought I should call her, so I did. She asked me a few questions about the trip, the accommodations and traveling and such. Then she asked me what had impacted me the most when I went to Haiti.

I told her that each morning, our leader, Rhodes, would give a talk on a certain subject, and challenge us to think about it and look for examples of it throughout the day. One of the topics was sacrificial leadership. I went to Haiti the summer before my sophomore year, which I have just finished. At the homeschool group I was a part of, my class was the oldest on campus. I remember thinking, "This is going to be great!" I was glad that we were the oldest class because I would finally have authority and leadership. My heart was selfish and prideful, thinking that by becoming a leader, I would get respect and even get what I wanted. That was honestly my heart before I went to Haiti.

God gently broke me down during the trip, using the talk on sacrificial leadership. He showed me that I did not have the right to lord over the other kids on campus, but that being a leader meant getting down and dirty with them, becoming a servant. He showed me that by becoming a leader, I was to show his love to those around me. To think about what they might be going through and act accordingly. So I became determined to give these people love. I was convicted and now had big dreams of reaching out to them and sharing Jesus' love with them. And so I tried to love them. And when I tried, I heard more of their stories, how they were hurting. And my heart hurt to think I had wanted to become a leader so I would be elevated. I continued trying to love those people, but I didn't do it wholeheartedly. In my mind, I kept thinking, "There's more time. I can wait to do more and show more love. We still have a whole semester. I still have all that time to love them." And then sophomore year ended. I felt I had failed, not done enough to love the people God put in my path. I have wrestled with that off and on the past month or so. 

Just yesterday, I was reading the blog Mundane Faithfulness by Kara Tippetts. You can read her amazing story by just clicking on "Mundane Faithfulness." She wrote about how she was able to speak at a graduation, and included her speech on her blog, a letter to the graduates. As I was reading through, this part really jumped out at me: 

"We often feel when we have not lived up to our own dreams, or when life isn't as we expected it- we struggle to feel we have wasted our lives or that we are living without purpose. Often God uses these painful edges of life to draw us into a deeper, richer relationship with him."

It made me realize that God had used me, even if the fruit wasn't as evident as I had dreamed. He used the interactions I had with the people on campus to show his love. And he continues to teach me that I am his tool, I play the background. He uses me by showing his love through me, and reminds me that it is not all about me and who I can love and whether I did enough. The conversation I had with the lady from Vapor encouraged me so much too, that God had done what he intended to do. He used those feelings of failure, those dreams that shrank to reality, to draw me and others closer to him, to continue to teach me that he alone is enough, that he alone has the perfect plan. That lesson is one I will be learning over and over again. It started in Haiti, and is continuing on. And he will continue to use me to manifest his glory and love. 

A Plethora of Mommas

Today is Mother's Day, as I'm sure most of y'all know. So many wonderful people to celebrate. Moms, grandmoms, great grandmoms. But it doesn't stop there. We can't forget those who have been like a mom to us, if only for a little while. God has blessed me with so many wonderful women that have been moms to me and others. They've grown us spiritually, asked the hard questions, and just loved us through tough times. Several people come to mind when I hear the word 'Mom,' three specifically.

First, of course, is my momma. I don't even have words to describe the blessing I have in her. She loves unconditionally, even though, especially in my case, it can be very hard. She listens and doesn't judge. Whenever I'm struggling through something, whether it be sin, relationships, or I'm just being grouchy, Mom always points me back to the gospel. That's the thing I love most about her. She never fails to say how great God is, how gracious he is to us. "There go I but by the grace of God." I love the way she and my daddy love each other. She takes such good care of him, and always listens, letting him talk about whatever he needs to. She understands Dorie, the hurricane, and knows how to calm her down and how she needs to be loved. She sees how much Elijah is like her dad, and does her best to provide him with the tools he needs to make his dreams a reality. And lastly, she laughs at all of Isaac's jokes, no matter how stupid, and takes care of all the scrapes, bruises, and bloody noses that little seven year old boys tend to get a lot. My momma is truly a gift from God to our family. And this only a little of what she does. If I told you everything, it would go on and on and on, and you would be completely overwhelmed and awestruck at the love she continuously gives to her family and others.

 


The second person is, of course, my grandmom. Grandmom is so strong, and seeing her rely on the Lord during the struggles of the past couple of years has encouraged me so much. She wouldn't have gotten through the hard days when Pop-pop was fighting cancer without God and she knows that. She carries a stack of index cards, all with verses written on them, around when she travels. Bible verses are all over her house. For the past week and a half, I've been working alongside her, planting vegetables and flowers, tilling, and cleaning. She never gives up, even when something is hard. Even when something discourages her, like her hot tub being cracked, she moves on. Grandmom misses Pop-pop. A lot. It's hard for her, because Pop-pop always knew what to do. He could almost always fix whatever was broken whether it be farm equipment or our toys. Grandmom misses him, but she doesn't let it keep her away from her children and grandchildren. During the school year, she fixed dinner every Tuesday night so Mom and Aunt Kiki didn't have to after a long day at CC. She loves on all of us in different ways and gives us opportunities to learn. She clings to God above all and encourages all of us to do the same.

And last, but certainly not the least, is my Bible study leader, Mrs. Asmus. I've known Mrs. Asmus for the past three years, give or take a few months. But especially this past year, she's been my second momma. Every Wednesday, she does a Bible study for the middle and high school girls from church and the surrounding area. This past year, I've been going about two hours early to her house because my daddy has choir practice. She always graciously welcomes me to her house and it's such a blessing to be able to sit and talk to her. I love making dinner with her for the rest of the girls. She loves on each and every one of us, calling us her own, her daughters. She encourages me by sending me texts throughout the week, Bible verses and words of encouragement. She's such a blessing in my life.

These three ladies all have pointed me back to Jesus many times. They've all loved me when I'm upset or angry or just being a grouch. They are truly gifts from God, not only to me, but to so many others. Happy Mother's Day. I love you. <3

Brothers and Sisters

Relationships in general have just been on my mind lately. Girls and guys alike. I've really grown to truly appreciate the friendships I have with girls. They are so much fun, and have just loved on me through so many circumstances. God has really blessed me just over the past two years with girl friends that are strong in the faith and are striving towards being more like Christ. They've been my sisters, listening to me talk about anything and everything, giving me hugs all the time, and sending me texts that just brighten my day. They are such blessings and I am so thankful to have them.

Then there are the guys.

Guys can be wonderful friends. The ones I know have great senses of humor, enough patience to teach me how to throw a football (a hopeless endeavor at times, I know) and willingness to help me in things like debate or math. They're pretty great, don't get me wrong.  I was talking to one of my best friends a couple of weeks ago, and I was telling her how my brother thinks it's hilarious how comfortable I am when I talk about my friends that are guys. She looked at me and said, "Aren't you so thankful for those guy friends?" I said yes. She replied, "I'm really happy you have them, and sometimes I wish I was as comfortable as you are. But you know, God has really been teaching me that girl friends are what I need right now. They really are the best." I smiled and gave her a hug. "I wholeheartedly agree." Girl friends are a wonderful thing to have. And guys, this all applies to you too. All of your 'bros' or whatever you call them, are gifts from God. They are your brothers and while girls are good friends to have, your 'bros' are what you need right now.

I have no interest in dating or even letting the world know if I like someone right now. It's just not worth it. Now, I know there are so many people writing on this topic, about staying pure, guarding your heart, and all that good stuff. And I agree that you should strive to stay pure and guard your heart. There are some really good blog posts, articles, and thoughts on these topics out there. But there's something else I've been thinking about too. My guy friends aren't just my friends. They are my brothers in Christ.

I usually don't like it when someone refers to a guy as their 'brother.' Yes, I agree that some things about him may make him similar to a brotherly figure, but girls, he's not your brother. He's still a 'possibility' as my momma puts it. There is still a chance of you dating or even marrying him even if it seems utterly absurd right now. With your actual brother, there's not even a slight chance of you dating or marrying him. But guess what? With those guy friends, you have Christ in common. You are a brother and sister in Christ. And that relationship trumps every relationship you will ever have with him. If you end up going out or getting married or even just staying friends, you will always be a brother and sister in Christ. That's such a cool thought isn't it? In a sense, he is your brother. As a guy following Christ, he will strive to treat you like his sister. Protect you and love you like his sister. Respect you by guarding your heart as well as his. And guys? It's the same again for y'all too. As your sisters, we will strive to respect you and honor you. We will do our best to love you like family and  guard your heart as well as ours. I love that thought.We're all in this struggle together. And because we're brothers and sisters in Christ, we treat each other like family, no matter where life takes us.

                           

                           

                           

Unfolding Grace

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now, I just am not sure where to begin. I'm still trying to process everything, even though it's far from over. It started a couple of weeks ago, when my daddy lost his job. It wasn't a huge huge surprise but it still hit us hard. At first, I think it didn't truly hit me what had happened. As far as I could tell, nothing changed in my life. I didn't struggle with it as much as my parents or my siblings and I couldn't figure out why. One of my dear friends came over for a Saturday afternoon and just told me she understood what our family was going through, as theirs had gone through similar circumstances. She said if I ever needed to talk about it, she was there. I loved her for it, and it meant a lot to me, but at that point I was doing just fine.

Then my momma got a call one Tuesday afternoon when we were all at Grandmom's for dinner. She went outside to answer it, while the rest of us talked. Then she came back in, and I could tell something was wrong. She sat down and told us through tears that it had been a call about her recent mammogram, saying they had found a spot and because of her history it needed to be checked.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was pregnant with my youngest brother. I was eight. It was a hard journey for us, as I only understood a little of what was going on and my siblings were just as confused. God was so faithful to us and Isaac is now seven and as healthy as can be. My momma, for the past seven years, has had a perfect report whenever she's gone to the oncologist. When I heard there was a possibility it might have come back, a lump rose in my throat. I did not want to go down that road again and I knew for sure she didn't either.

Later that night, I went down to say goodnight to her. She was in her bedroom, and we began to talk. She told me how it was very possible it wasn't cancer. At her last appointment, her doctor had told her he thought she'd beaten it. She told me she wasn't scared that God wouldn't take care of us, but more of what path he was going to lead us down. I agreed, gave her a hug, and went back upstairs.

I sat down on my bed and just couldn't hold it together anymore. My heart was so heavy. For my mom, my dad, our family. I just started crying out God, saying over and over again, "I believe. Forgive my unbelief." I knew in my head that he would take care of us no matter what. But my heart was so grieved and full of fear. I didn't believe it in my heart. I didn't think I'd be able to rejoice and thank God if it was cancer. I knew he was good in all circumstances, and would give us grace to believe that he was and is, but it was still hard.

I picked up my Bible and my book for Bible study. My Bible study leader had just put on Facebook what chapter we were going to discuss that Wednesday night. Guess what the title was? Fighting Through Tough Times. I couldn't help but grin when I read that. That chapter was just rich with truth, talking about the enormity of God's grace and love through the tough times.

God is good, a hiding place in tough times.

He recognizes and welcomes

anyone looking for help,

no matter how desperate the trouble.

Nahum 1:7-8        

We're not giving up. How could we!

Even though on the outside

 it often looks like things

are falling apart on us, on the inside,

where God is making new life,

not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Not a day goes by without his unfolding grace…isn't that beautiful? I smiled so big when I read that. His grace lasts forever and is there every single day. 

On Wednesday my mom told me that she had read a verse in 2 Chronicles. "Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the Lord will be with you." She had called the hospital to set up a follow up appointment. The lady had said they didn't have anything for two weeks. Mom sighed, saying she just wanted to get it over with. The lady understood, and looked again. There was a spot on the very next day, "tomorrow"!  God was so faithful. It was just a reassurance, God letting us know, "I got this." 

That night, after I got home from Bible study, one of my best friends started sending me verses and lyrics from Oceans by Hillsong. Every single one of them just overflowed with truth.

My momma told me later that Psalm 34:4 also came to her mind the morning of the appointment. She went in and a couple hours later texted me. It wasn't cancer. It was only a cyst. I sat down and cried right then and there. The Lord is so good. I couldn't help but praise him and thank him for his love towards us. Today I talked to my Bible study leader, my second mom, at church. She told me she couldn't wait until we got to the other side where God had so many wonderful things planned and where we could look back and say, "God was working. And he is good.""

life of late.

Over the past couple of weeks, there have been happy reunions, coffee dates, and just fun happenings. :) So, here are a few pictures of what life has been of late. Enjoy!

Jess was home for a week!

The laughing game.

Photo shoot with this gorgeous girl.

Masterpiece.

Typical day at school...

Spring formal!

Trip to Delaware for a long weekend.

My sisters in Christ. <3

Sending this sweet girl off to Haiti.

Sunday picnic with sweet families from church.

Spending a day at the elementary campus.

Coffee date.