Almost a year ago, I was on my way to Haiti with a team of twenty awesome people. Little did I know how much the Lord would use that trip in the coming months.
A week ago, my parents got an email from one of the Vapor staff. Vapor is the organization we went with to Haiti. The lady who emailed my parents said that she knew the trip had really impacted us, especially me. She asked if we would call or email her back with our stories. My mom thought I should call her, so I did. She asked me a few questions about the trip, the accommodations and traveling and such. Then she asked me what had impacted me the most when I went to Haiti.
I told her that each morning, our leader, Rhodes, would give a talk on a certain subject, and challenge us to think about it and look for examples of it throughout the day. One of the topics was sacrificial leadership. I went to Haiti the summer before my sophomore year, which I have just finished. At the homeschool group I was a part of, my class was the oldest on campus. I remember thinking, "This is going to be great!" I was glad that we were the oldest class because I would finally have authority and leadership. My heart was selfish and prideful, thinking that by becoming a leader, I would get respect and even get what I wanted. That was honestly my heart before I went to Haiti.
God gently broke me down during the trip, using the talk on sacrificial leadership. He showed me that I did not have the right to lord over the other kids on campus, but that being a leader meant getting down and dirty with them, becoming a servant. He showed me that by becoming a leader, I was to show his love to those around me. To think about what they might be going through and act accordingly. So I became determined to give these people love. I was convicted and now had big dreams of reaching out to them and sharing Jesus' love with them. And so I tried to love them. And when I tried, I heard more of their stories, how they were hurting. And my heart hurt to think I had wanted to become a leader so I would be elevated. I continued trying to love those people, but I didn't do it wholeheartedly. In my mind, I kept thinking, "There's more time. I can wait to do more and show more love. We still have a whole semester. I still have all that time to love them." And then sophomore year ended. I felt I had failed, not done enough to love the people God put in my path. I have wrestled with that off and on the past month or so.
Just yesterday, I was reading the blog Mundane Faithfulness by Kara Tippetts. You can read her amazing story by just clicking on "Mundane Faithfulness." She wrote about how she was able to speak at a graduation, and included her speech on her blog, a letter to the graduates. As I was reading through, this part really jumped out at me:
"We often feel when we have not lived up to our own dreams, or when life isn't as we expected it- we struggle to feel we have wasted our lives or that we are living without purpose. Often God uses these painful edges of life to draw us into a deeper, richer relationship with him."
It made me realize that God had used me, even if the fruit wasn't as evident as I had dreamed. He used the interactions I had with the people on campus to show his love. And he continues to teach me that I am his tool, I play the background. He uses me by showing his love through me, and reminds me that it is not all about me and who I can love and whether I did enough. The conversation I had with the lady from Vapor encouraged me so much too, that God had done what he intended to do. He used those feelings of failure, those dreams that shrank to reality, to draw me and others closer to him, to continue to teach me that he alone is enough, that he alone has the perfect plan. That lesson is one I will be learning over and over again. It started in Haiti, and is continuing on. And he will continue to use me to manifest his glory and love.
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