this goes out to the heaviest hearts
oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
it's not over yet, it's not over yet
and even when you think you're finished
it's not over yet, it's not over yet
keep on fighting
i'll carry on when my strength is failing
take heart 'cause you're with me
so let the stars drop
whatever comes i'll be ready
you keep me steady
For the past couple of weeks, For King & Country's new album has been my heartbeat. I'm just going to be open and honest with y'all: I've been feeling really lonely - heck, I AM feeling really lonely. I just miss the way things used to be. All of the places where I really felt God and where he really filled me up have changed. And it's hard. So hard. I just am not really sure what to do about this loneliness. How do you deal with it? Surrounding myself with people certainly doesn't do it. You can be constantly with people, constantly talking to people, and still be lonely. Guys, I know we've all heard it a million times that God fills us up. And I believe that. Really, I do. But honestly, I'm really not feeling it right now. I keep telling myself, 'If only I can get to this point, I'll be fine.' But that's not how it works. What happens after I pass that point? And the one after that? I just assume I'll be fine, but I won't be.
I want so badly to be an overflow of God's love, but it is so. hard. I'm so weary of pouring myself out over and over again and not getting anything back. I just keep crying out to God, 'What do I do God? What are you trying to tell me? Why have you changed everything? Can't you just change it back?' And it's such a selfish cry, but it's my heart.
I want for God so much to be the only thing I need to satisfy my heart. Why is it that I don't feel like he's enough? I know in my head he is, but my heart wrestles with that fact all. the. time. I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know what God is doing in my life, why he's changed everything. Yeah, I can see some indications of things to come, but what about now?
You know, I'm tempted to camp out in those negative thoughts, but it doesn't end there. I want y'all to know, I have not figured it out. I do not know the answers to any of these questions. It's such a struggle for me to believe God is who he says he is. I feel like I'm failing at this Christian thing, that God has changed, and isn't who he used to be. But he hasn't. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Our view of God is so limited. He is so great that 'the slightest hint of him brings us down to our knees.' I was listening to Times by Tenth Avenue North and it came to the bridge:
i hear you say: my love is over
it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you're broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me, and the times that you bend
the times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
Whoa guys. It hit me pretty hard. As my friend would say, "It was a slap in the face. But it was a good slap." His love is everywhere. It's over, underneath, inside every. single. situation. I know that, even after this realization, I will still have spells of loneliness, of questioning and asking 'Why me God?' But his love covers and seeps through all the cracked, broken places of my heart. And I just have to keep praying for the grace to see it.
i look up to the mountains.
does my strength come from the mountains?
no.
my strength comes from God
who made heaven and earth.
and the mountains.
Seriously, go check out For King & Country's new album: RUN WILD. LIVE FREE. LOVE STRONG. You will not regret it.
