walls

I've been thinking about walls. 

partially because I need to repaint and redecorate the ones in my bedroom, but also the emotional, spiritual, mental kind. walls that I've seen others put up and put up myself. your walls. walls that go up whenever someone is about to find out the truth about you. walls of defense, and self preservation. physical walls, like when you pull your knees up to your chest, hoping that it will block any unwelcome words or actions as you pour your heart, your hopes and dreams out for another to see. walls that disguise themselves as humor and happiness, laughing away the pain and pretending that joy is and has always been the way you've lived. pretty walls, masks painstakingly crafted to make sure none of you, your original masterpiece, can be seen because you're ashamed of the scratches and cracks and the paint that seems to have run together over the years, ruining the masterpiece in your eyes. loud walls, shouting strength, but not quite loud enough to cover the din of your insecurity. quiet walls, covering up the bitterness, intimidating anyone who comes near, filling them with a sense of foreboding they can't quite shake. I know these walls. I have put them up myself. but you know what I've discovered? those walls are best broken down. they serve their best purpose broken into a thousand pieces, no longer able to function. 

sidenote here: I'm not saying to bare your heart and soul before everyone you encounter. that, I believe, is not wise. I am talking instead of those who love and care about you, who will try their best not to harm you, but instead will help you and point you back to the gospel and the love of Christ over and over again.

sometimes, those walls go up without you even noticing. before you know it, you answer "I'm fine" to every probing question. you close up, not sharing with anyone what you're really thinking and feeling. I've done it. I have and have had friends who struggle daily with the walls around their hearts, souls, and minds. 

walls can be a good thing. they can protect your heart from being broken, your mind from being robbed, and your body from being injured. some are meant to stay up. but some are meant to be broken. when my grandpa, whom I affectionately called pop-pop, passed away, my walls went up. my heart hurt, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I guess I felt like healing would be even more painful than the hurt I was currently experiencing, so I did the safe thing. I built walls. walls of defense, of "I'm fine," of so-called happiness. and it was a long time until those walls came down. you know what brought them down? letting someone in. letting them see the hurt, see me vulnerable and crying, and allowing them to comfort me. believe me, I fought to keep those walls for almost a year. they were safe, I told myself. they would save me from unnecessary hurt. 

and that healing? it bored through those walls, and it was painful. there were nights of crying into my pillow so no one could hear me. there were nights of crying on my friend's shoulder. but there were nights of peace too. nights where God whispered softly into my aching heart: "I'm here. I'm with you. I love you." sometimes those whispers made me sob all the more. to know that he loved me, and was not afraid to walk that valley with me...it was overwhelming. 

and now? those walls have been shattered. I am no longer a slave to them. the grief is still a very real thing to me though. I have learned a lesson from the walls I put up so no one would have to see or deal with my grief, but sometimes the tears just come, unbidden, especially during special events and the anniversary of my pop-pop's passing. but the Lord has been gracious in that too. 

I can talk about it now without becoming a sobbing mess. I'm able to see where the Lord was and is working in it, and how he was permeating every part of that situation. he gives me the courage to dive in whenever someone in a similar situation enters my life. and that is definitely not me. I have botched opportunities so bad, and embarrassed myself to no end. but he is merciful. he is gracious. and he continues to love me, despite the fact I fail every day. 

so to you, dear reader - I want you to know you're not alone in this. letting down your walls is difficult and no fun. it's hard just to realize what your walls are, let alone allow the Lord to break them down. it is hard. it is painful. but it is worth it. you come out on the other side praising Jesus for loving you without restraint in spite of your fighting against the healing because it was scary, and the walls just seemed safer. but he always comes through. he loves, oh how he loves.

"for this reason, I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. amen."

//ephesians 3:14-21

p.s. I would love to hear your stories if you want to share them. much love dear readers. ❤️