In the Zone

Hi everyone! I'm so sorry, it's been a month, so much has happened and I STILL haven't written. Since my last post, I've been to a wedding, a worship arts/audio production camp at Asbury University, a family reunion, and have taught art to 6-8 year olds at a homeschool conference. June has just flown by. Crazy. So here, in this post, I will mainly be talking about what God taught me at the worship arts camp.

Let me just say, I was so nervous y'all. It was completely outside my comfort zone to go to this camp. I didn't know anyone, I would have a roommate, and have to play guitar and violin and sing in front of these people I didn't know. While I was there, I did some crazy (well, in my mind) things that I have never done before. God really stretched me, but at the same time led me gently. I think one of the biggest lessons he taught me there was that in order to be brought near to God, I had to get outside my comfort zone and how that applies not only to the things I did at camp, but all the change taking place my junior year of high school.

One of the crazy things I did at camp was lead worship with my band. Okay, rabbit trail, 'cause this is pretty great. Our group was split into three bands. My band was called That Band. The other two were called This Band and The Other Band. So, together, we were This, That, and The Other Bands. Awesome right? Okay, end of rabbit trail. So I was made the lead singer of my band, and for one song, I played a solo on my violin and on the other, I led by singing and playing my guitar. Now guys, when I play on the worship team at church, I only play violin. I'm a background instrument and I love it. I've led worship for youth group before, but it was only about fifteen people, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I also like to harmonize or be a background singer instead of singing melody. So, I assumed I would be a background instrument or singer, and maybe get some tips on how to play guitar better, thinking there would be so many others more qualified to lead than me. Yes, I'm a leader, but in that environment, I'd rather not be in the spotlight. But, as God would have it, I became the leader of our band. Way outside of my comfort zone right? But guess what? God gave me the grace to be okay with that, to realize being the leader of a worship band and to lead worship is a privilege. I got to lead God's people in worship. How awesome is that?

I was talking to my mom about how all of this happened, just all the things I did that were way outside my comfort zone and how I wasn't that nervous at all. She said, "Honey, it was the Holy Spirit." That just amazed me. God gave me those gifts and helped me use them for his glory at the camp without being nervous. It was awesome.

I came back from camp and went straight to the beach for a week, so I didn't have that much time to process everything that went on at camp. A few days ago, I was asking myself "What was the biggest thing I learned at camp? And how does that lesson play out into my life now that camp is over?" I thought about it for a while, and then realized it was getting out of my comfort zone and relying on God. Not just at camp, but in the days, weeks, and months to come. This next school year is going to be full of change and being outside my comfort zone. We have a new youth leader, I'm going to be taking classes at Bluegrass United, a homeschool organization, where I know maybe three people, one of my best friends will be at college six hours away, and my other best friend I will not see as much as I usually do. Lots of things outside of my comfort zone. But you know, when I'm in my comfort zone, I don't rely on God as much. I think I'm just fine, I got this, I can do it all. But when I'm pulled out of my comfort zone, I begin to realize that yeah, I'm completely dependent upon God. And you know what? It brings me closer to him. I'd rather be outside my comfort zone than in it if that's the case.

I just looked back and read that sentence again and thought, "Did I really just write that? What am I thinking?" But it's true. I want to be brought near to God even if it means I'm outside of my comfort zone. With everything happening in the next school year, you better believe I'm going to need God. I need him all the time, but my need for him will become more prevalent in the coming months. And he will satisfy my need, over and over again. Today at church, the sermon talked about being bold, taking risks for the gospel, and how prayer brings you in line with the will of God, even if it's outside your comfort zone. And then we sang the song Oceans, my all time favorite.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the waters

wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior.

That is my prayer over this next school year. That God would show me his will and that my faith in him would grow as he gives me grace to live in the freedom of the gospel and bring his love to the people I come in contact with. <3

From My Dreams to His Perfect Plan

Almost a year ago, I was on my way to Haiti with a team of twenty awesome people. Little did I know how much the Lord would use that trip in the coming months.

A week ago, my parents got an email from one of the Vapor staff. Vapor is the organization we went with to Haiti. The lady who emailed my parents said that she knew the trip had really impacted us, especially me. She asked if we would call or email her back with our stories. My mom thought I should call her, so I did. She asked me a few questions about the trip, the accommodations and traveling and such. Then she asked me what had impacted me the most when I went to Haiti.

I told her that each morning, our leader, Rhodes, would give a talk on a certain subject, and challenge us to think about it and look for examples of it throughout the day. One of the topics was sacrificial leadership. I went to Haiti the summer before my sophomore year, which I have just finished. At the homeschool group I was a part of, my class was the oldest on campus. I remember thinking, "This is going to be great!" I was glad that we were the oldest class because I would finally have authority and leadership. My heart was selfish and prideful, thinking that by becoming a leader, I would get respect and even get what I wanted. That was honestly my heart before I went to Haiti.

God gently broke me down during the trip, using the talk on sacrificial leadership. He showed me that I did not have the right to lord over the other kids on campus, but that being a leader meant getting down and dirty with them, becoming a servant. He showed me that by becoming a leader, I was to show his love to those around me. To think about what they might be going through and act accordingly. So I became determined to give these people love. I was convicted and now had big dreams of reaching out to them and sharing Jesus' love with them. And so I tried to love them. And when I tried, I heard more of their stories, how they were hurting. And my heart hurt to think I had wanted to become a leader so I would be elevated. I continued trying to love those people, but I didn't do it wholeheartedly. In my mind, I kept thinking, "There's more time. I can wait to do more and show more love. We still have a whole semester. I still have all that time to love them." And then sophomore year ended. I felt I had failed, not done enough to love the people God put in my path. I have wrestled with that off and on the past month or so. 

Just yesterday, I was reading the blog Mundane Faithfulness by Kara Tippetts. You can read her amazing story by just clicking on "Mundane Faithfulness." She wrote about how she was able to speak at a graduation, and included her speech on her blog, a letter to the graduates. As I was reading through, this part really jumped out at me: 

"We often feel when we have not lived up to our own dreams, or when life isn't as we expected it- we struggle to feel we have wasted our lives or that we are living without purpose. Often God uses these painful edges of life to draw us into a deeper, richer relationship with him."

It made me realize that God had used me, even if the fruit wasn't as evident as I had dreamed. He used the interactions I had with the people on campus to show his love. And he continues to teach me that I am his tool, I play the background. He uses me by showing his love through me, and reminds me that it is not all about me and who I can love and whether I did enough. The conversation I had with the lady from Vapor encouraged me so much too, that God had done what he intended to do. He used those feelings of failure, those dreams that shrank to reality, to draw me and others closer to him, to continue to teach me that he alone is enough, that he alone has the perfect plan. That lesson is one I will be learning over and over again. It started in Haiti, and is continuing on. And he will continue to use me to manifest his glory and love. 

A Plethora of Mommas

Today is Mother's Day, as I'm sure most of y'all know. So many wonderful people to celebrate. Moms, grandmoms, great grandmoms. But it doesn't stop there. We can't forget those who have been like a mom to us, if only for a little while. God has blessed me with so many wonderful women that have been moms to me and others. They've grown us spiritually, asked the hard questions, and just loved us through tough times. Several people come to mind when I hear the word 'Mom,' three specifically.

First, of course, is my momma. I don't even have words to describe the blessing I have in her. She loves unconditionally, even though, especially in my case, it can be very hard. She listens and doesn't judge. Whenever I'm struggling through something, whether it be sin, relationships, or I'm just being grouchy, Mom always points me back to the gospel. That's the thing I love most about her. She never fails to say how great God is, how gracious he is to us. "There go I but by the grace of God." I love the way she and my daddy love each other. She takes such good care of him, and always listens, letting him talk about whatever he needs to. She understands Dorie, the hurricane, and knows how to calm her down and how she needs to be loved. She sees how much Elijah is like her dad, and does her best to provide him with the tools he needs to make his dreams a reality. And lastly, she laughs at all of Isaac's jokes, no matter how stupid, and takes care of all the scrapes, bruises, and bloody noses that little seven year old boys tend to get a lot. My momma is truly a gift from God to our family. And this only a little of what she does. If I told you everything, it would go on and on and on, and you would be completely overwhelmed and awestruck at the love she continuously gives to her family and others.

 


The second person is, of course, my grandmom. Grandmom is so strong, and seeing her rely on the Lord during the struggles of the past couple of years has encouraged me so much. She wouldn't have gotten through the hard days when Pop-pop was fighting cancer without God and she knows that. She carries a stack of index cards, all with verses written on them, around when she travels. Bible verses are all over her house. For the past week and a half, I've been working alongside her, planting vegetables and flowers, tilling, and cleaning. She never gives up, even when something is hard. Even when something discourages her, like her hot tub being cracked, she moves on. Grandmom misses Pop-pop. A lot. It's hard for her, because Pop-pop always knew what to do. He could almost always fix whatever was broken whether it be farm equipment or our toys. Grandmom misses him, but she doesn't let it keep her away from her children and grandchildren. During the school year, she fixed dinner every Tuesday night so Mom and Aunt Kiki didn't have to after a long day at CC. She loves on all of us in different ways and gives us opportunities to learn. She clings to God above all and encourages all of us to do the same.

And last, but certainly not the least, is my Bible study leader, Mrs. Asmus. I've known Mrs. Asmus for the past three years, give or take a few months. But especially this past year, she's been my second momma. Every Wednesday, she does a Bible study for the middle and high school girls from church and the surrounding area. This past year, I've been going about two hours early to her house because my daddy has choir practice. She always graciously welcomes me to her house and it's such a blessing to be able to sit and talk to her. I love making dinner with her for the rest of the girls. She loves on each and every one of us, calling us her own, her daughters. She encourages me by sending me texts throughout the week, Bible verses and words of encouragement. She's such a blessing in my life.

These three ladies all have pointed me back to Jesus many times. They've all loved me when I'm upset or angry or just being a grouch. They are truly gifts from God, not only to me, but to so many others. Happy Mother's Day. I love you. <3

Brothers and Sisters

Relationships in general have just been on my mind lately. Girls and guys alike. I've really grown to truly appreciate the friendships I have with girls. They are so much fun, and have just loved on me through so many circumstances. God has really blessed me just over the past two years with girl friends that are strong in the faith and are striving towards being more like Christ. They've been my sisters, listening to me talk about anything and everything, giving me hugs all the time, and sending me texts that just brighten my day. They are such blessings and I am so thankful to have them.

Then there are the guys.

Guys can be wonderful friends. The ones I know have great senses of humor, enough patience to teach me how to throw a football (a hopeless endeavor at times, I know) and willingness to help me in things like debate or math. They're pretty great, don't get me wrong.  I was talking to one of my best friends a couple of weeks ago, and I was telling her how my brother thinks it's hilarious how comfortable I am when I talk about my friends that are guys. She looked at me and said, "Aren't you so thankful for those guy friends?" I said yes. She replied, "I'm really happy you have them, and sometimes I wish I was as comfortable as you are. But you know, God has really been teaching me that girl friends are what I need right now. They really are the best." I smiled and gave her a hug. "I wholeheartedly agree." Girl friends are a wonderful thing to have. And guys, this all applies to you too. All of your 'bros' or whatever you call them, are gifts from God. They are your brothers and while girls are good friends to have, your 'bros' are what you need right now.

I have no interest in dating or even letting the world know if I like someone right now. It's just not worth it. Now, I know there are so many people writing on this topic, about staying pure, guarding your heart, and all that good stuff. And I agree that you should strive to stay pure and guard your heart. There are some really good blog posts, articles, and thoughts on these topics out there. But there's something else I've been thinking about too. My guy friends aren't just my friends. They are my brothers in Christ.

I usually don't like it when someone refers to a guy as their 'brother.' Yes, I agree that some things about him may make him similar to a brotherly figure, but girls, he's not your brother. He's still a 'possibility' as my momma puts it. There is still a chance of you dating or even marrying him even if it seems utterly absurd right now. With your actual brother, there's not even a slight chance of you dating or marrying him. But guess what? With those guy friends, you have Christ in common. You are a brother and sister in Christ. And that relationship trumps every relationship you will ever have with him. If you end up going out or getting married or even just staying friends, you will always be a brother and sister in Christ. That's such a cool thought isn't it? In a sense, he is your brother. As a guy following Christ, he will strive to treat you like his sister. Protect you and love you like his sister. Respect you by guarding your heart as well as his. And guys? It's the same again for y'all too. As your sisters, we will strive to respect you and honor you. We will do our best to love you like family and  guard your heart as well as ours. I love that thought.We're all in this struggle together. And because we're brothers and sisters in Christ, we treat each other like family, no matter where life takes us.

                           

                           

                           

Unfolding Grace

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now, I just am not sure where to begin. I'm still trying to process everything, even though it's far from over. It started a couple of weeks ago, when my daddy lost his job. It wasn't a huge huge surprise but it still hit us hard. At first, I think it didn't truly hit me what had happened. As far as I could tell, nothing changed in my life. I didn't struggle with it as much as my parents or my siblings and I couldn't figure out why. One of my dear friends came over for a Saturday afternoon and just told me she understood what our family was going through, as theirs had gone through similar circumstances. She said if I ever needed to talk about it, she was there. I loved her for it, and it meant a lot to me, but at that point I was doing just fine.

Then my momma got a call one Tuesday afternoon when we were all at Grandmom's for dinner. She went outside to answer it, while the rest of us talked. Then she came back in, and I could tell something was wrong. She sat down and told us through tears that it had been a call about her recent mammogram, saying they had found a spot and because of her history it needed to be checked.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was pregnant with my youngest brother. I was eight. It was a hard journey for us, as I only understood a little of what was going on and my siblings were just as confused. God was so faithful to us and Isaac is now seven and as healthy as can be. My momma, for the past seven years, has had a perfect report whenever she's gone to the oncologist. When I heard there was a possibility it might have come back, a lump rose in my throat. I did not want to go down that road again and I knew for sure she didn't either.

Later that night, I went down to say goodnight to her. She was in her bedroom, and we began to talk. She told me how it was very possible it wasn't cancer. At her last appointment, her doctor had told her he thought she'd beaten it. She told me she wasn't scared that God wouldn't take care of us, but more of what path he was going to lead us down. I agreed, gave her a hug, and went back upstairs.

I sat down on my bed and just couldn't hold it together anymore. My heart was so heavy. For my mom, my dad, our family. I just started crying out God, saying over and over again, "I believe. Forgive my unbelief." I knew in my head that he would take care of us no matter what. But my heart was so grieved and full of fear. I didn't believe it in my heart. I didn't think I'd be able to rejoice and thank God if it was cancer. I knew he was good in all circumstances, and would give us grace to believe that he was and is, but it was still hard.

I picked up my Bible and my book for Bible study. My Bible study leader had just put on Facebook what chapter we were going to discuss that Wednesday night. Guess what the title was? Fighting Through Tough Times. I couldn't help but grin when I read that. That chapter was just rich with truth, talking about the enormity of God's grace and love through the tough times.

God is good, a hiding place in tough times.

He recognizes and welcomes

anyone looking for help,

no matter how desperate the trouble.

Nahum 1:7-8        

We're not giving up. How could we!

Even though on the outside

 it often looks like things

are falling apart on us, on the inside,

where God is making new life,

not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Not a day goes by without his unfolding grace…isn't that beautiful? I smiled so big when I read that. His grace lasts forever and is there every single day. 

On Wednesday my mom told me that she had read a verse in 2 Chronicles. "Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the Lord will be with you." She had called the hospital to set up a follow up appointment. The lady had said they didn't have anything for two weeks. Mom sighed, saying she just wanted to get it over with. The lady understood, and looked again. There was a spot on the very next day, "tomorrow"!  God was so faithful. It was just a reassurance, God letting us know, "I got this." 

That night, after I got home from Bible study, one of my best friends started sending me verses and lyrics from Oceans by Hillsong. Every single one of them just overflowed with truth.

My momma told me later that Psalm 34:4 also came to her mind the morning of the appointment. She went in and a couple hours later texted me. It wasn't cancer. It was only a cyst. I sat down and cried right then and there. The Lord is so good. I couldn't help but praise him and thank him for his love towards us. Today I talked to my Bible study leader, my second mom, at church. She told me she couldn't wait until we got to the other side where God had so many wonderful things planned and where we could look back and say, "God was working. And he is good.""

life of late.

Over the past couple of weeks, there have been happy reunions, coffee dates, and just fun happenings. :) So, here are a few pictures of what life has been of late. Enjoy!

Jess was home for a week!

The laughing game.

Photo shoot with this gorgeous girl.

Masterpiece.

Typical day at school...

Spring formal!

Trip to Delaware for a long weekend.

My sisters in Christ. <3

Sending this sweet girl off to Haiti.

Sunday picnic with sweet families from church.

Spending a day at the elementary campus.

Coffee date. 

In Christ

"You are blessed, accepted, forgiven, adopted, chosen, redeemed, and loved."

So many people struggle with identity. They find it in anything they think can give them happiness. They don't realize nothing can give them happiness except for Christ. Finding your identity in Christ is a lifelong struggle and it's impossible to do on your own. But through God, all things are possible.

A God-centered, gospel identity is the realization that your worth is in Christ and living life knowing nothing can ever change that. Your identity is not in your grades, your looks, or your popularity. It's not in your talents, what people think of you, or even the expectations of your parents. No. Your worth and identity are in Christ. And in order to believe that, you have to realize the power, depth, and truth of this statement:

"We are more sinful, wretched, and evil

than we know or are willing to admit.

God is more holy, sovereign, and

powerful than anyone can ever comprehend.

In Christ, we are more blessed,

accepted, forgiven, adopted,

chosen, redeemed, and loved than

we could ever dare to hope or believe."

What does it mean to have your identity 'in Christ'? It means we don't have to strive towards a gospel identity on our own. Christ is the ultimate giver of it and will overwhelm us again and again with the truths of who we are.

We are blessed. Christ has given us a new life. We have everything we need, and even more than we need. He has given us people that love and encourage us. We have been set free from sin. God is with us. He has r e s t o r e d our broken hearts. This is just a glimpse of the blessing that has been poured out and will be poured out on us. How awesome is that??

We are accepted. God doesn't let our insecurities, our past sins, or our quirks push him away. He embraces us, accepts us just how we are. He erased our sin, took away our blame, and l o v e s us, flaws and all.

We are forgiven. Our sins are gone. Just let that sink in. They are gone. As far as the east is from the west. Diminished. Never to be seen again. When Jesus died on the cross, he took and forgave every. single. one. of our sins - past, present, and future - and put them on himself. As if that weren't enough, he gave us his perfectly clean record. We are now blameless, because of the overwhelming forgiveness of God.

We are adopted and chosen. He chose us before the foundation of the world to. be. HIS. Let that soak in. We are His. He adopted us into his perfect family, as his kids, whom he loves, adores, and would do anything for.

We are redeemed. Redeemed literally means bought back. We were slaves to sin, owned by sin, consumed by sin. And we couldn't do anything to change it. BUT GOD, in his great mercy, sent his only Son to die, to bring glory to himself, but also to free us, buy us back, pay in full the ransom for us. How sweet is that?

Lastly, we. are. loved. So much. I just can't stress this enough. We are so loved. To hear this is one thing, but to believe it, to make it more than just empty words on a page…only God can give us this realization that HE, the Creator of the universe, the One who IS peace, love and everything good, the One who inspired the Bible: LOVES US. He had absolutely no reason to rescue us from sin, slavery, and darkness. Except for one thing: l o v e. Immeasurable, steadfast, radical love. From God himself. To us. Wow. 

And that is the foundation of a gospel identity. There is so much d e p t h in having and understanding a gospel identity. It involves not only believing these truths, but living them. Making them a part of our everyday lives. Sharing them with others. And by God's grace, we will live as his children and encourage others to believe.