Loved

"He determines the number of stars; He gives names to them all."
//Psalm 147:4

Last weekend, my youth group went on a retreat to Ridge Haven in Brevard, North Carolina. Oh, how good it was for my soul. We were all thoroughly soaked in God's love, truths, and sunshine. It was just so filling and so refreshing.

Psalm 147:4 was part of our call to worship at church this morning. It reminded me of stargazing at Ridge Haven. One night, we were walking back to our cabins from a huge dance party. It was a good fifteen minute walk back, and it was a gorgeous night. One of my friends said, "Oh, guys look up!" We all lifted our eyes and oohed and aahed at the stars. Since we were in the mountains, they were so clear and stunning. I couldn't keep my eyes off of them as we headed back. It struck me that the One who had created those stars and named them loved me. He loved me. He knew my name. What?? How crazy is that??

The theme of the weekend was Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. It's incredible how relevant that theme was to my life. I struggle with remembering, accepting, and believing the truth that God loves me. But listening to the talks reminded me that his love is real. He just blows up the lies that are constantly fighting for my attention. The lie that he doesn't love me. The lie that I need others' approval in order to be happy. The lie that he can't and won't satisfy me. His love destroys them. Every once in a while they come back to haunt me, whispering in my ear that he doesn't really love me, that I'll never be enough. This is a result of living in a sinful, broken world. But each and every time, his love breaks through and overwhelms the lies and leaves me dumbfounded.

After one of the talks at the retreat, God just kept putting on my heart, "Why do you need their approval? You already have mine." Oh how freeing that truth is. It allows me to be myself, confident in who I am. Just to remember he delights in me...that just blows my mind. He just keeps pouring blessing out, keeps reminding me how loved I am...I have no words for how incredible that is to me. It fills me with so much joy and peace. Ahhh <3

I'll end on this sweet note. My youth pastor was so full of joy and happiness on the way home and we asked him, teasingly, why he was so happy. He responded with this: "Jesus loves me. He really does."

I pray all of you rest in that truth today and forever. Much love. <3

Blessings

Ahhh, Christmas break. So much love. Honestly though, I am partly glad this semester is over, and partly sad too. This semester was rough for me guys. I'm seeing that this is a very common topic on my blog, but change definitely took a whole semester to get used to. Actually, scratch that, I'm still getting used it. My family started a store in August, and since then my life has been flipped upside down. (well, okay, that is not the only change, but it is a big one.) So much is different now, and let me tell you, my room has never stayed this messy for this long of a time. I'm sitting here on my bed writing this, drinking lukewarm tea, battery almost dead, and clothes all over the floor, not to mention my math books, guitar, and more clothes strewn across my bed. If you know me, this is not what my room looks like most of the time. I'm usually a neat freak. But I'm learning to be okay with it.

I went on a spontaneous coffee date with a sweet friend of mine a few days ago. Oh, it was so good for my soul. I was telling her about how it's been hard for me to adjust to new friends, a new school, and a new youth group. About how sometimes I just feel so lonely. Yes, I have friends, but they're all over the place, and it's hard to be able to see them other than school or church. I feel like I can't build relationships like I would like to. Loneliness had just really started to make itself at home in my heart. She looked right at me and told me how proud she was of me. How proud God was of me. That Jesus was in heaven looking down on me and saying, "That's my girl." Tears started to stream down my face. How could he be proud of me? What on earth had I done that Jesus, the Son of God and Savior of the world, would be proud of? She told me how much he delights in me, that he loves to love on me, that he's always giving little blessings, and big ones too.

And then something awesome happened.

My friend and I were sitting by the window at the coffee shop, looking out on Main Street. A lady had pulled up to bring a cake in for some special event. I guess she had seen me crying, so she motioned for me to come out. She then pulled out a box of cupcakes and gave them to us. "We have extra," she said. My friend looked at me and said, "And there's a little blessing right there. He loves you Ellie." How incredible that the God of the universe took the time of day to send me that little blessing. It blows my mind.

So now, I'm challenging myself to look for ways God is showing his love. I know he does, but sometimes I just focus so much on the negative circumstances that I miss the blessings. I read somewhere that we tend to blow the negative parts of life, however small, way out of proportion, pushing the positive parts away. What if we looked for the blessings in a conversation instead of mentally kicking ourselves for something stupid we said? What if we challenged ourselves to look for the good in a situation instead of automatically picking out the bad? What if? Blessings are everywhere. Let's pray for the grace to see them. Love to you all. <3

I'm an...editor?

     Whew, so much to catch up on. One of the main things that's been going on recently is that I've become the founder and editor in chief of The Blue Hawk, a school newspaper for Bluegrass United. It's been awesome so far, and tomorrow our second edition will be out. It's definitely a learning experience for me, learning how to write a column, figuring out how to get everything in on time so I can compile it all, and, the hardest for me, editing my people's columns and not taking over. I love to edit and mark papers with red ink all over. It's just a quirky thing about me. I love grammar, sentence structure, word choice - all of it. Anyways, it's been difficult for me to keep my writers' style intact. I tend to want to take over and rewrite the whole thing. But that's not what the newspaper's about. It's about giving teenagers an opportunity to be creative in ways they might not be otherwise, whether it be through writing a column, photographing an event, or creating a comic. It's been awesome to read everyone's articles and see everyone's pictures and compile it all into The Blue Hawk. I love it and can't wait to see where it goes. 

     For the second edition, I wrote this article. Since I'm the editor in chief, I get to write about whatever I want for the editorial. Perfect job for me. I'm allowed to be opinionated and everything. It's great. :) Hope y'all enjoy it! Happy reading!

     “The Fault in Our Stars?? Oh my gosh, that’s like my most favorite book/movie EVER!!!!” Yep, this is the cry of a typical teenage girl right about now. And before I continue, you are free to disagree with me if you like. But I didn’t like it, really at all. It was so depressing and there was no hope.

I’ve been through this cancer thing before. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was nine, while she was pregnant with my brother. It was tough, seeing her hurting that way, and being so unsure of the ending. But God, in his great mercy, got us through it and now both of them, my mom and my brother, are as happy and healthy as could be. My mom has been cancer free for eight years. 

     Then, when I was thirteen, my grandpa, or Pop-pop as all his grandkids called him, was diagnosed with cancer. Five weeks after he had been diagnosed, he went home to be with Jesus. And let me tell you, that was probably one of the toughest things I have ever been through. I still struggle with it sometimes.

     You may be sitting there thinking, ‘I’m sorry for your loss and all Ellie, but The Fault in Our Stars wasn’t really that bad.’ I can understand why you would say that. And I completely respect your opinion. 

     At the same time, as I said before, I struggled with the fact that there was no hope. Jesus was not in it at all. Hazel and Augustus - their lives revolved around themselves and whatever they could find to take pleasure in. To them, death was the finality of life. There was no assurance for them of where they would go after death. And that’s what made me sad. Hope and joy were nonexistent. Can you imagine if Christ had been the center of this story? They would have had so much joy, and not just fake happiness that comes from perishable pleasures, but real joy. They wouldn’t see death as the finality of life, but rather the beginning of infinite life and happiness. It would have been a much grander infinity than the one they had dreamed up for themselves.

     I do have to say, this book gave me a new perspective and helped me have more compassion towards those who have been through this without hope. Who are going through it right now without hope. I can’t imagine going through something like that, not knowing that death does not have the final say. I think that’s the main message we, as Christians, can take from the book. There truly are those who are lost, without hope, in this broken world. They need compassion. They need love. They need Jesus. And he’s called us to love those people. To spread this hope, this joy everywhere we go. And by his grace, may we be his vessels, the lights in the dark places, bringing hope to the hopeless.

A Soul Full of Sunshine

So for this blog post, I thought I'd try something a little different. This post challenged me to be creative with my photography and my writing, to portray a person's true self, both in images and words. So, without further ado, the girl with the soul full of sunshine.

this is my girl, kamren fayth.

she loves Jesus. a lot. he has and is redeeming her life, and it is beautiful to see.

her laugh is so contagious. she's always so full of joy.

she can be a real goofball sometimes.

she makes this face a lot.

but i love her for it.

as a matter of fact, it's one of the main reasons why we're friends.

she's a stunner. and i mean a STUNNER. 

she's got a beautiful soul and a heart full of gold. i just love her.

So there you have it sweet readers. Thank you for bearing with me. :)

Why

this goes out to the heaviest hearts

oh, to everyone who's hit their limit

it's not over yet, it's not over yet

and even when you think you're finished

it's not over yet, it's not over yet

keep on fighting

i'll carry on when my strength is failing

take heart 'cause you're with me

so let the stars drop

whatever comes i'll be ready

you keep me steady

For the past couple of weeks, For King & Country's new album has been my heartbeat. I'm just going to be open and honest with y'all: I've been feeling really lonely - heck, I AM feeling really lonely. I just miss the way things used to be. All of the places where I really felt God and where he really filled me up have changed. And it's hard. So hard. I just am not really sure what to do about this loneliness. How do you deal with it? Surrounding myself with people certainly doesn't do it. You can be constantly with people, constantly talking to people, and still be lonely. Guys, I know we've all heard it a million times that God fills us up. And I believe that. Really, I do. But honestly, I'm really not feeling it right now. I keep telling myself, 'If only I can get to this point, I'll be fine.' But that's not how it works. What happens after I pass that point? And the one after that? I just assume I'll be fine, but I won't be. 

I want so badly to be an overflow of God's love, but it is so. hard. I'm so weary of pouring myself out over and over again and not getting anything back. I just keep crying out to God, 'What do I do God? What are you trying to tell me? Why have you changed everything? Can't you just change it back?' And it's such a selfish cry, but it's my heart. 

I want for God so much to be the only thing I need to satisfy my heart. Why is it that I don't feel like he's enough? I know in my head he is, but my heart wrestles with that fact all. the. time. I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know what God is doing in my life, why he's changed everything. Yeah, I can see some indications of things to come, but what about now?

You know, I'm tempted to camp out in those negative thoughts, but it doesn't end there. I want y'all to know, I have not figured it out. I do not know the answers to any of these questions. It's such a struggle for me to believe God is who he says he is. I feel like I'm failing at this Christian thing, that God has changed, and isn't who he used to be. But he hasn't. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Our view of God is so limited. He is so great that 'the slightest hint of him brings us down to our knees.' I was listening to Times by Tenth Avenue North and it came to the bridge:

i hear you say: my love is over

it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between

the times you're broken, the times that you mend

the times you hate me, and the times that you bend

the times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks

the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

Whoa guys. It hit me pretty hard. As my friend would say, "It was a slap in the face. But it was a good slap." His love is everywhere. It's over, underneath, inside every. single. situation. I know that, even after this realization, I will still have spells of loneliness, of questioning and asking 'Why me God?' But his love covers and seeps through all the cracked, broken places of my heart. And I just have to keep praying for the grace to see it.

i look up to the mountains.

does my strength come from the mountains?

no.

my strength comes from God

who made heaven and earth.

and the mountains.

Seriously, go check out For King & Country's new album: RUN WILD. LIVE FREE. LOVE STRONG. You will not regret it. 

Overflow

Oh y'all, I am so sorry I haven't kept up better with this blog. School and life have just been crazy lately. Great and wonderful, but crazy.

Lately the Lord has really just been putting on my heart that he is more than enough and that because he is, that more should overflow from me into others. Before the school year started, and "it was the clove of the seasons, where summer was dead, but fall had not yet begun" (quote from my English class ;)) I had a lot of time to think. About all the change that was going to happen. I know change has been a pretty frequent topic on here, and there's a pretty good reason for that. Nothing this year, my junior year of high school, is the same as last year. Nothing. And I'm learning to be okay with that.

Last year, I had my specific "filling up" people and places. I had two fabulous friends, a wonderful momma, and an amazing Bible study leader who I talked to about life and all its struggles and joys. They were my "filling up" people. They always pointed me back to the Gospel. Their hearts overflowed with love for the Lord, and that overflow poured into my heart. This year, my mom is the only person I'm able to talk to as much as I'd like. Before, I always had specific times when I knew I would see my friends and my Bible study leader and be able to talk. But our schedules are completely different now. I don't see any of them, except for my mom, as much as I would like to. And it's hard. When I realized that I wouldn't be able to see them that much, I was kind of at a loss. I thought, Where will I get filled up now? In the back of my head, I knew it was God that filled me up and not just my friends. But I still missed my people.

A few days ago, I was talking to my mom about the whole "filling up" thing. She gave me some wonderful words of wisdom. She said, "I think God takes away our 'filling up' places sometimes to remind us that it's HIM that fills us up." 

The Lord gives and 

the Lord takes away.

Blessed be the name

of the Lord.

//Job 1:21

And that's so true. I was relying too much on my friends to fill me up that I forgot that it's JESUS who was filling me up, not my friends! He manifests himself through them to fill me up. I was worrying so much about where I would get filled up that I got distracted from the real "filler upper." God has given me new people and places where he will fill me up with himself. Students of Grace, my middle school girls, my girls' Bible study, sweet friends at school. But it is still him and him only that fills me up. And by his grace, I will overflow. So much so that it spills onto everyone around me. That's my purpose in life. That he would overflow from my life into others and be glorified through it.

Awe, Adoration, and Arachnids

I've been thinking quite a lot about fear lately. Both fear of things to come and the fear of God. But before I dive into this post, I have a story about fear. Tonight I was cleaning the cottage for a relative who is going to come and spend the weekend with us. Now, it is spider season here at the Brown house. Webs and nasty spiders are everywhere. Going up to the cottage porch, I ran into a web. Thankfully it was just a little spider, but it still put me on edge. I went into the cottage and found a bigger spider, not too big but big enough, in the shower. Still wondering how that spider had gotten into the cottage in the first place, I started to make the bed. The quilt was folded up on the floor, so I put it on the bed and began unfolding it. I kid you not, there was a big wolf spider in the folds of the quilt. I about had a heart attack. Needless to say, I screamed and ran over to house, refusing to go back over to the cottage until both spiders had been killed. This incident reminded me of the statement I've been thinking about for the past couple of days. Fear is not of God. Fear is of the devil.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear

but of power and love and self-control.

//2 Timothy 1:7 

God has given us POWER to overcome fear. He has graciously given us the strength to fight our fears and to trust him with our worries. He has also given us a spirit of love. He wants us to reach out in love and cast away fear. He does not want us acting out of fear, but out of love. Be bold! Don't be afraid!

Then there's self-control. When I read this verse and started thinking about it, I thought, Why self-control? Why not one of the other Fruits of the Spirit, like peace? So I looked up self-control.

Self-control: control or restraint of oneself or one's actions, feelings, etc.

He gives us a spirit of self-control to restrain ourselves from acting out of fear or jumping to conclusions based on our fear. 

But what about the fear of the Lord? 

The fear of the Lord

is clean,

enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord

are true,

and righteous altogether.

//Psalm 19:9

The fear of the Lord is awe. He is strong, capable of anything, including discipline. We stand in awe of him for these reasons and more. But usually we focus on his love, and not how in awe we are of him. And yes, definitely, we need to remember his love for us. But how often do we just sit in awe of him? Almost afraid of his vastness and power? Honestly, I think this needs to happen more often. I mean, our God created GALAXIES y'all.

He came up with the way our brains work. He created personalities. Math equations. Languages. The way a flower grows. I mean, how often do we ponder all the things he's created? You're probably sitting there thinking, 'Yeah, I know, EVERYTHING.' But what specifically falls under everything? And the fact that he's the Creator is not the only thing we should stand in awe of. What about how he has so much love, an eternity's worth, to pour on us? That this love gave up his only Son to die the most shameful death so that worthless sinners could be his sons and daughters? That just amazes me. We don't fear God enough. We don't take enough time to sit down and think about who he really is and let ourselves be completely dumbfounded and awestruck. Because to be honest, it scares us. But God takes that fear, and turns it into adoration, because fear is not from him. Love is.