walls

I've been thinking about walls. 

partially because I need to repaint and redecorate the ones in my bedroom, but also the emotional, spiritual, mental kind. walls that I've seen others put up and put up myself. your walls. walls that go up whenever someone is about to find out the truth about you. walls of defense, and self preservation. physical walls, like when you pull your knees up to your chest, hoping that it will block any unwelcome words or actions as you pour your heart, your hopes and dreams out for another to see. walls that disguise themselves as humor and happiness, laughing away the pain and pretending that joy is and has always been the way you've lived. pretty walls, masks painstakingly crafted to make sure none of you, your original masterpiece, can be seen because you're ashamed of the scratches and cracks and the paint that seems to have run together over the years, ruining the masterpiece in your eyes. loud walls, shouting strength, but not quite loud enough to cover the din of your insecurity. quiet walls, covering up the bitterness, intimidating anyone who comes near, filling them with a sense of foreboding they can't quite shake. I know these walls. I have put them up myself. but you know what I've discovered? those walls are best broken down. they serve their best purpose broken into a thousand pieces, no longer able to function. 

sidenote here: I'm not saying to bare your heart and soul before everyone you encounter. that, I believe, is not wise. I am talking instead of those who love and care about you, who will try their best not to harm you, but instead will help you and point you back to the gospel and the love of Christ over and over again.

sometimes, those walls go up without you even noticing. before you know it, you answer "I'm fine" to every probing question. you close up, not sharing with anyone what you're really thinking and feeling. I've done it. I have and have had friends who struggle daily with the walls around their hearts, souls, and minds. 

walls can be a good thing. they can protect your heart from being broken, your mind from being robbed, and your body from being injured. some are meant to stay up. but some are meant to be broken. when my grandpa, whom I affectionately called pop-pop, passed away, my walls went up. my heart hurt, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I guess I felt like healing would be even more painful than the hurt I was currently experiencing, so I did the safe thing. I built walls. walls of defense, of "I'm fine," of so-called happiness. and it was a long time until those walls came down. you know what brought them down? letting someone in. letting them see the hurt, see me vulnerable and crying, and allowing them to comfort me. believe me, I fought to keep those walls for almost a year. they were safe, I told myself. they would save me from unnecessary hurt. 

and that healing? it bored through those walls, and it was painful. there were nights of crying into my pillow so no one could hear me. there were nights of crying on my friend's shoulder. but there were nights of peace too. nights where God whispered softly into my aching heart: "I'm here. I'm with you. I love you." sometimes those whispers made me sob all the more. to know that he loved me, and was not afraid to walk that valley with me...it was overwhelming. 

and now? those walls have been shattered. I am no longer a slave to them. the grief is still a very real thing to me though. I have learned a lesson from the walls I put up so no one would have to see or deal with my grief, but sometimes the tears just come, unbidden, especially during special events and the anniversary of my pop-pop's passing. but the Lord has been gracious in that too. 

I can talk about it now without becoming a sobbing mess. I'm able to see where the Lord was and is working in it, and how he was permeating every part of that situation. he gives me the courage to dive in whenever someone in a similar situation enters my life. and that is definitely not me. I have botched opportunities so bad, and embarrassed myself to no end. but he is merciful. he is gracious. and he continues to love me, despite the fact I fail every day. 

so to you, dear reader - I want you to know you're not alone in this. letting down your walls is difficult and no fun. it's hard just to realize what your walls are, let alone allow the Lord to break them down. it is hard. it is painful. but it is worth it. you come out on the other side praising Jesus for loving you without restraint in spite of your fighting against the healing because it was scary, and the walls just seemed safer. but he always comes through. he loves, oh how he loves.

"for this reason, I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. amen."

//ephesians 3:14-21

p.s. I would love to hear your stories if you want to share them. much love dear readers. ❤️

Severe Mercies

Hello world!

It's me again.

It's been a little while, I know. And I have a (somewhat) good reason. I just hit a dead spot, questioning the Lord's purpose for me this summer. I got a rejection letter from the Governor's Scholars Program, which - to put it plainly - hurt. I mean, I can't say I didn't expect it, but rejection still hurts. I had really thought GSP was where the Lord wanted me to be this summer. It was hard to accept that it wasn't, and discouraging to think that maybe all of those times I had been convicted by a certain verse or heard a certain phrase in a talk or sermon were just me, that I had just applied them to what I wanted instead of realizing their true meaning. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to try and fit God in a box. I also missed the deadline for a camp counselor application and was sick the two days of the interview. I tried to take in stride, saying that it was the Lord closing a door that wasn't meant for me to go through.

I struggled with believing he had a plan for this summer, that he knew what he was doing. I finally snapped one night, and all of my anger and uncertainty and fear came rushing out. And the crazy thing? The very next day, I got a call from my youth leader. He wanted me to be a counselor for a middle school conference he was putting together. Haha, very funny Lord. Let me scream at you and then surprise me with blessing. I knew I wanted to be a camp counselor for middle schoolers. I didn't even think about doing it at my church, where I've been helping out with the middle schoolers for the past year. He knows guys. He does.

And that's not the end of the story. My dad, my brother, my sister, and I all auditioned for Oliver! the musical. All of us got parts. I am so freakin' excited it's not even funny. I fell in love with musical theater last summer and have not had a chance to do it since then. And now I get to spend my whole summer in a musical with incredible actors and singers. How awesome is that?

This was not at all how I imagined my summer. I had it nicely put together, with a few ifs, but not many. Each door closed. And let me tell you, I was mad. But God likes to surprise us and he delights in blessing us. After finding out these two things I get to do for the summer, I felt like I should have known. But that's just God's way. He knew my heart's desire and exactly the way he was going to fulfill it. His refusals to GSP, camp counseling, and several other things were just his mercy. He kept me from the wrong purposes.

"God never withholds from his child

that which his love and wisdom

call good.

God's refusals are always merciful.

Severe mercies at times,

but mercies all the same.

God never denies us our hearts' desire

except to give us something better."

The sweet middle schoolers 

(and fellow counselor)

I get to work with this summer. 

Bold As A Lion

Last week, a friend and I did an interview for the newspaper. The girl we interviewed is a senior, and we asked her what the worst thing about Bluegrass United (the school I go to) was. She said, "I don't know, BU's just so great!" Then after thinking for a while, she said, "I think the worst part about BU is that we all just assume that everyone knows Jesus, so we don't talk about it that much. Even though BU is a Christian group, we don't talk about God nearly as much as we should." I was blown away by that. But I knew exactly what she was talking about. I've experienced it too. I've wanted to ask people about their stories, about how Christ has redeemed them, but for some reason, it is really, really hard. Now why is that? We're in a Christian community, so why is it so hard to talk about Christ? It shouldn't be.

Christian communities around the world struggle with this. But the bottom line is that we can't just assume everyone knows who Jesus is and why he came to earth. We can't assume that everyone has a relationship with him. We can't assume everyone has even grown up in a Christian home. There are lost and broken people out there who need the Lord. They're at BU. They're at churches and Christian schools everywhere. 

You may be sitting there thinking, oh that's all very well that I want to reach people and share the love of Christ. But how in the world do I go about reaching those people? Or if you're one of those people you may be thinking, how can I find people who are willing to invest in me, answer my questions, and know me and love me at the same time?

One word: boldness. There is no other way to reach out than to be bold about it. We have to be brave. We have to go outside our comfort zone. We were not made to live inside our comfort zones. That is not where world changing happens. It happens OUTSIDE. In the danger zone. Where people risk being hurt, being rejected. And that is another struggle. Especially for me. I hate being hurt. I hate being rejected.  So I am content to stay in my comfort zone. Until someone else speaks out boldly. And I realize that what they're saying is true and we need to do something about it. I need to do something about it.

So what are you going to do Ellie? What are you going to do? You are but one person, one drop in the bucket. You can't make a difference. Oh yes I can. Heck yes I can. I've got God on my side. And that voice that says I can't? That's the devil.

"The thief (devil) comes only to steal and kill and destroy."  He wants you to think that you can't do it. You can't make a difference. But let me tell you something. You can. I can. We are those people that, by God's grace, will be bold. We will reach out and give Jesus. We've got to stop assuming everyone knows who Jesus is. We've got to get out of our comfort zones and ask. Just ask. Ask about people's story, ask about their lives, ask how they're doing. We'll never know if we never ask.

And to the ones who so desperately want to be known and loved: Jesus does that. But I would love to hear your story too. I really do. There are other people too, who want to know you and love you and share Jesus with you. The sweet girl I interviewed is one of them. But of course, how can you find them if they aren't being bold? So, I challenge you all at BU and in other Christian communities: be bold. And then, by the grace of God, we'll get to live life together in light of the gospel. With Christ as our banner, we will go out unashamed, fully known, and fully loved. Let's do it. 

All In. Together.

Credit: Pocket Fuel

...the Lord commanded you, to love the Lord your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.
//Joshua 22:5

A few days ago, I was looking through the album I made on Facebook for my junior year. I had titled it: all in || junior year. It made me think: how have I been "all in" this school year?

I had been wrestling with whether I should keep going to youth meetings on Wednesday nights. The talks were great, the food was great, but the fellowship was lacking. And part of it was my fault. I haven't made much of an effort to be a part of that community. I'm different from them, and not in a bad way. I'm a homeschooler, a newspaper journalist, a blogger, a musician, a photographer. But it's hard to find a common ground. It seems like only a few people have even one thing in common with me.

I was talking to my mom about it the other day and she had some really good thoughts. She knew I had been discouraged and struggling to find my place in the group, but reminded me that we were made for community, and that sometimes community is not always what we expect it to be. But we shouldn't give up on things just because they are hard. God gives us community and puts different people together for a reason. And the reason is usually not so we can be comfortable. If it was, why would there be any reason for us to turn to Jesus?

I admit, I was unengaged during the first meeting of this semester. My argument was, "I'm not sure this is where I'm supposed to be, so I'm just going to sit here and wait until I get an answer from the Lord." Instead of being completely and fully present right where I was, I clammed up. Since that was my mindset, I missed opportunities to love others. What image of Christianity am I putting across when that's my attitude? I'm definitely not shining the love of Christ when I just sit back and do nothing.

I do think I'm supposed to continue going to the youth meetings, but that's not the point. The point is that it's my job as a follower of Christ to be all in, to dive headfirst into whatever he has put before me. Even if it's uncomfortable, even if I feel like an outsider, I am called to be a living, breathing example of Christ's love. A daunting task to say the least. But with God, all things are possible.

Lord, give us grace. Give us strength to be all in for you. Let us realize that you give community as a gift, and that we're called to be all in, together. Help us be real, help us love one another, and then share that love with others. We love you Lord. Amen.

Loved

"He determines the number of stars; He gives names to them all."
//Psalm 147:4

Last weekend, my youth group went on a retreat to Ridge Haven in Brevard, North Carolina. Oh, how good it was for my soul. We were all thoroughly soaked in God's love, truths, and sunshine. It was just so filling and so refreshing.

Psalm 147:4 was part of our call to worship at church this morning. It reminded me of stargazing at Ridge Haven. One night, we were walking back to our cabins from a huge dance party. It was a good fifteen minute walk back, and it was a gorgeous night. One of my friends said, "Oh, guys look up!" We all lifted our eyes and oohed and aahed at the stars. Since we were in the mountains, they were so clear and stunning. I couldn't keep my eyes off of them as we headed back. It struck me that the One who had created those stars and named them loved me. He loved me. He knew my name. What?? How crazy is that??

The theme of the weekend was Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. It's incredible how relevant that theme was to my life. I struggle with remembering, accepting, and believing the truth that God loves me. But listening to the talks reminded me that his love is real. He just blows up the lies that are constantly fighting for my attention. The lie that he doesn't love me. The lie that I need others' approval in order to be happy. The lie that he can't and won't satisfy me. His love destroys them. Every once in a while they come back to haunt me, whispering in my ear that he doesn't really love me, that I'll never be enough. This is a result of living in a sinful, broken world. But each and every time, his love breaks through and overwhelms the lies and leaves me dumbfounded.

After one of the talks at the retreat, God just kept putting on my heart, "Why do you need their approval? You already have mine." Oh how freeing that truth is. It allows me to be myself, confident in who I am. Just to remember he delights in me...that just blows my mind. He just keeps pouring blessing out, keeps reminding me how loved I am...I have no words for how incredible that is to me. It fills me with so much joy and peace. Ahhh <3

I'll end on this sweet note. My youth pastor was so full of joy and happiness on the way home and we asked him, teasingly, why he was so happy. He responded with this: "Jesus loves me. He really does."

I pray all of you rest in that truth today and forever. Much love. <3

Blessings

Ahhh, Christmas break. So much love. Honestly though, I am partly glad this semester is over, and partly sad too. This semester was rough for me guys. I'm seeing that this is a very common topic on my blog, but change definitely took a whole semester to get used to. Actually, scratch that, I'm still getting used it. My family started a store in August, and since then my life has been flipped upside down. (well, okay, that is not the only change, but it is a big one.) So much is different now, and let me tell you, my room has never stayed this messy for this long of a time. I'm sitting here on my bed writing this, drinking lukewarm tea, battery almost dead, and clothes all over the floor, not to mention my math books, guitar, and more clothes strewn across my bed. If you know me, this is not what my room looks like most of the time. I'm usually a neat freak. But I'm learning to be okay with it.

I went on a spontaneous coffee date with a sweet friend of mine a few days ago. Oh, it was so good for my soul. I was telling her about how it's been hard for me to adjust to new friends, a new school, and a new youth group. About how sometimes I just feel so lonely. Yes, I have friends, but they're all over the place, and it's hard to be able to see them other than school or church. I feel like I can't build relationships like I would like to. Loneliness had just really started to make itself at home in my heart. She looked right at me and told me how proud she was of me. How proud God was of me. That Jesus was in heaven looking down on me and saying, "That's my girl." Tears started to stream down my face. How could he be proud of me? What on earth had I done that Jesus, the Son of God and Savior of the world, would be proud of? She told me how much he delights in me, that he loves to love on me, that he's always giving little blessings, and big ones too.

And then something awesome happened.

My friend and I were sitting by the window at the coffee shop, looking out on Main Street. A lady had pulled up to bring a cake in for some special event. I guess she had seen me crying, so she motioned for me to come out. She then pulled out a box of cupcakes and gave them to us. "We have extra," she said. My friend looked at me and said, "And there's a little blessing right there. He loves you Ellie." How incredible that the God of the universe took the time of day to send me that little blessing. It blows my mind.

So now, I'm challenging myself to look for ways God is showing his love. I know he does, but sometimes I just focus so much on the negative circumstances that I miss the blessings. I read somewhere that we tend to blow the negative parts of life, however small, way out of proportion, pushing the positive parts away. What if we looked for the blessings in a conversation instead of mentally kicking ourselves for something stupid we said? What if we challenged ourselves to look for the good in a situation instead of automatically picking out the bad? What if? Blessings are everywhere. Let's pray for the grace to see them. Love to you all. <3

I'm an...editor?

     Whew, so much to catch up on. One of the main things that's been going on recently is that I've become the founder and editor in chief of The Blue Hawk, a school newspaper for Bluegrass United. It's been awesome so far, and tomorrow our second edition will be out. It's definitely a learning experience for me, learning how to write a column, figuring out how to get everything in on time so I can compile it all, and, the hardest for me, editing my people's columns and not taking over. I love to edit and mark papers with red ink all over. It's just a quirky thing about me. I love grammar, sentence structure, word choice - all of it. Anyways, it's been difficult for me to keep my writers' style intact. I tend to want to take over and rewrite the whole thing. But that's not what the newspaper's about. It's about giving teenagers an opportunity to be creative in ways they might not be otherwise, whether it be through writing a column, photographing an event, or creating a comic. It's been awesome to read everyone's articles and see everyone's pictures and compile it all into The Blue Hawk. I love it and can't wait to see where it goes. 

     For the second edition, I wrote this article. Since I'm the editor in chief, I get to write about whatever I want for the editorial. Perfect job for me. I'm allowed to be opinionated and everything. It's great. :) Hope y'all enjoy it! Happy reading!

     “The Fault in Our Stars?? Oh my gosh, that’s like my most favorite book/movie EVER!!!!” Yep, this is the cry of a typical teenage girl right about now. And before I continue, you are free to disagree with me if you like. But I didn’t like it, really at all. It was so depressing and there was no hope.

I’ve been through this cancer thing before. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was nine, while she was pregnant with my brother. It was tough, seeing her hurting that way, and being so unsure of the ending. But God, in his great mercy, got us through it and now both of them, my mom and my brother, are as happy and healthy as could be. My mom has been cancer free for eight years. 

     Then, when I was thirteen, my grandpa, or Pop-pop as all his grandkids called him, was diagnosed with cancer. Five weeks after he had been diagnosed, he went home to be with Jesus. And let me tell you, that was probably one of the toughest things I have ever been through. I still struggle with it sometimes.

     You may be sitting there thinking, ‘I’m sorry for your loss and all Ellie, but The Fault in Our Stars wasn’t really that bad.’ I can understand why you would say that. And I completely respect your opinion. 

     At the same time, as I said before, I struggled with the fact that there was no hope. Jesus was not in it at all. Hazel and Augustus - their lives revolved around themselves and whatever they could find to take pleasure in. To them, death was the finality of life. There was no assurance for them of where they would go after death. And that’s what made me sad. Hope and joy were nonexistent. Can you imagine if Christ had been the center of this story? They would have had so much joy, and not just fake happiness that comes from perishable pleasures, but real joy. They wouldn’t see death as the finality of life, but rather the beginning of infinite life and happiness. It would have been a much grander infinity than the one they had dreamed up for themselves.

     I do have to say, this book gave me a new perspective and helped me have more compassion towards those who have been through this without hope. Who are going through it right now without hope. I can’t imagine going through something like that, not knowing that death does not have the final say. I think that’s the main message we, as Christians, can take from the book. There truly are those who are lost, without hope, in this broken world. They need compassion. They need love. They need Jesus. And he’s called us to love those people. To spread this hope, this joy everywhere we go. And by his grace, may we be his vessels, the lights in the dark places, bringing hope to the hopeless.